Modern Love: Have we become too casual?
Our parents probably never knew it would come to this. The sexual liberation movement of the 60s and 70s heralded fundamental changes in the social behavior of an entire generation. But even the holdovers from the “Free Love” era might be shocked at the casual licentiousness of modern college culture.
It seems sensible, though, to acknowledge that the path we currently tread is a natural extension of the one blazed by the previous generation. So instead of just asking, “Is what we are doing OK?” perhaps we should also consider, “What are the consequences, and how can we deal with them?”
The choices and problems we face are different from those of our parents. But it would be foolish to presume that the obstacles to modern love will be any less difficult to overcome. How do you carve a place in your heart and your life for just one person, when you can connect with anyone at anytime? In a world without privacy, can intimacy survive?
I had a graduate class where we talked about how in Freud’s day the issue was repression, it was the time of love without sex. Today we’ve swung the other way, sex without love. Often I think people seek a sexual relationship because somehow, unconsciously they think it will lead to love or fulfillment of some sort. But the next morning that void will still be there.
In an age of growing technological capabilities, there is inevitably the potential for greater knowledge and easier communication. Taking all of these benefits into account, there are obviously problems that the Internet (instant messenger, gchat), cell phones (text messages and phone conversations) etc. have created.
Technology has a tendency to make relationships more impersonal. There is a sense of fallacy regarding emotions if they are not revealed face-to-face. Technology provides the ability to thoughtfully plan out a response instead of just being you, and maybe saying what you really mean. Texts, phone calls, and Internet conversations make lying easier. In addition, tone can be easily misinterpreted through these technological devices.
Modern love is so heavily based on technology. While it is nice to be in communication with someone you care about, as much as you need or want to be, it also complicates the relationship, and makes feelings seem more casual.
I think the biggest obstacle to emotional intimacy is the accessibility of sex. Sex doesn’t solve a lot of the problems we’d like it to. It brings people together, but it can also tear them apart if that’s the only method we know of loving each other. Emotional intimacy is different. It has to be learned…it doesn’t just magically appear.
The problem with intimacy in the age of technology is really being there for someone. When you’re on the phone, are you really paying attention or are you writing an email to your professor at the same time? When you talk to someone online, are you truly reading what they’re saying, or are you simultaneously doing your homework? It is possible to really be there for someone over distances, but it gets difficult with so many other distractions. Modern love has become similar– with so many things to do, who has the time to really be there for someone when the relationship would be easier if it were merely casual. While some serious relationships still survive in the college culture of hook ups, they are becoming more rare.
I think that there’s been a demystification of sex, evident in academia as well as the media. As something that’s no longer out of bounds, its casual manifestations aren’t of importance to many people. Ultimately, though, it’s up to the people involved to communicate, as it’s clearly possible to overcome this casual culture if that is what is desired.
We have become too casual. It has some positive effects and some negative effects. One positive effect is generating conversation and creating a dialogue about sex that probably didn’t exist half a century ago. It’s a common human activity that people should feel comfortable discussing. At the same time, one of the negative effects about mainstream sex is that people no longer place the same value on it as it deserves. Sex is something special shared between two people. It should be the consecration of a spiritual union. A lot of emotional investment goes into intercourse. Once we try to divorce the feelings from the act itself, it just becomes a base, mundane act that eventually loses all meaning.
this modern love, breaks me
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“Hooking up was a term known in the year 2000 to almost every American child over the age of nine, but only to a relatively small percentage of their parents who, even if they heard it, thought it was used in the sense of “meeting” someone…Back in the 20th century, American girls has used baseball terminology. First base referred to embracing and kissing; second base referred to groping and fondling; third bade referred to fellatio, usually known in polite conversation by the ambiguous term oral sex; and home plate meant conception-mode intercourse, known familiarly as going all the way. In the year 2000, in the era of hooking up, first base meant deep kissing, groping and fondling; second base meant oral sex; third base meant going all the way; and home plate meant learning each other’s names.”
—from “Hooking Up” by Tom Wolfe
