What do you say no to?
“No” is the first interesting word we say. Sure, parents get excited when a baby says “Mama” or “Dada” for the first time. But the first time a kid says “No!” — well, heads turn. From the very first time we say it, we discover the power of No. No makes space, it differentiates, it identifies. Chocolate can only be chocolate because it’s not vanilla or strawberry or Cherry Garcia.
No can imply yes, and yes can imply no. The answer to “Will you marry me?” implies Nos and Yeses: If I say yes, then I’m also saying no to sleeping with other people and host of other things I might have wanted to say yes to before I said yes to you. If I say no, then I’m saying yes to continuing my life as it is. By saying no to one thing, I say yes to others; and by saying yes to something, I foreclose other opportunities.
Which makes the relationship of No and Yes a little mysterious. Just as two people can be married, avoid violating their commitment, but have a cold relationship, so too we can preserve the external form of our commitments by saying no, without a strong internal Yes that pulls us forward.
So what do you say no to? And just as important, do you say yes to other things?
I say no to very little. To be honest, I don’t know whether that has a positive or negative influence on my life. On one hand, I am opening myself to a lot of new to experiences without limitation. On the other hand, I sometimes find myself overextended or in unexpected situations.
I say no to getting ahead on homework. I say no to practicing when I don’t feel like it. I say yes to eating Reeses peanut butter Christmas trees two months before Christmas, even though I’m forever trying to diet. I say no on principle to reading poorly written novels, but yes to the one I’m currently reading. I say no to anything that will hinder my feeling good about myself (except, alas, those Reeses peanut butter trees!). I say no to any commitment that cuts into the time I need to spend with myself.
It’s interesting to think about how the word ‘no’ truly means ‘yes’ to all of the converse effects of the question/concept. In general, I say no to very few concepts, but with the immediate exception of a concept that is harmful to others. For example, if friends want to drive drunk or ask me to drive in a car with an inebriated driver, I immediately refuse and try with all of my might to convince others to refuse as well. This is essentially saying a very important ‘yes’ to my own life and to the lives of others on the road.
I also say no to anything that is going to cause pain to my family or friends.
This question hints at the importance of morality, and to me that concept has always been one that should prioritize the feelings of loved ones and how your actions interact with their needs and desires.
I say no to (returning to) unhealthy relationships.
I say yes to abandoning negativity, exploring my interests and helping others.
Check out this Thanksgiving article by Roger Cohen in the New York Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/22/opinion/22cohen.html?ref=opinion
In particular, see the end:
“When Stanley Cohen, the friend and attorney to the artist Alexander Calder, moved to Paris in the 1960s, he ordered The Sunday New York Times. It would arrive the following Wednesday. He would take the paper and store it unread until Saturday night. Then he would place it outside his door so that, on Sunday morning, he had the illusion of finding his beloved paper waiting.
I like that story. It’s a reminder of how not to be a slave to time, of the need to be imaginative and humble in our thankfulness, and of the fact that news can wait a week. A day off to read it is dandy. Turn off, tune out, drop in. And a decent-sized turkey takes five hours to cook.”
Mediocrity. It’s always important to strive for sometime both as an individual as well as a society. It’s important to aspire towards something and to work hard to achieve it.
